train of thought

a short story by me, Celine Dressel, connecting the main character and the reader.

Most days I am used to drinking tea at four. I am not exactly sure, why I am doing that – I am not even British. Teatime is what gives me some sort of stability. It is what I always do, a habit. I love tea. And it does not matter how the day has gone so far, the cup of tea at four always makes it better. Hours can pass in the span of half an hour when I sit there next to our kitchen window and look out onto the trees and hills. It is my safe space. I have always been anxious with everything. My mind is always running around non-stop, I think about what I have done in my seventeen years of lifetime, what I still have to do, and most importantly: what society says I ought to do. Whenever I am on to something, a school project or cleaning my room – I have to make sure everything is as it should be. I call it thoroughness; my therapist calls it OCD.

Honestly, I kinda feel like I am talking to my therapist right now, telling you all this. I never open up this much to people, no matter how close I am to them. But you just have that about you, I cannot help it. You have that effect on people, I believe. It is weird, is it not? We have only known each other for two hours and have a few more left in this train compartment. Maybe that is what gets me to talk – I barely know you. And apart from surname and gender I know nothing about my therapist either. Sorry, by your facial expression I assume being a therapist is not exactly your dream job. Oh, you have considered it once? See, I told you you had that thing about you.

My, these train seats really have become quite comfortable. My back ache is not as bad as it usually is when I travel this way. Shall I open the window? It is hot in here. Summer really gets it going this year. Ah, this whiff of fresh air is good. But somehow the sun is shining directly in here which lessens the cool effect a bit. Wow, your eyes have a completely different colour when shone on that brightly. It is like – it is like they were some kind of hazel before, but now they are somewhat green and light brown mixture. It is fascinating. Those are beautiful eyes, they sparkle like wet sand on the sunny beach. Huh? Oh, sorry, I did not want to make you blush! I am so sorry, I don’t even know why I said that aloud… Now I am blushing? Ha, well…

You are really easy to talk to, I admire that. I feel like I am the complete opposite, people never talk to me unless they have to. I am far from intimidating, but I think one just knows when the other is not a person of many words, and I certainly belong into that category. Well, normally. Now I feel like a waterfall, and it feels so odd. But somehow good, too! What do you usually do? I mean, things such as hobbies. You read? I do too. The piano? Wow, that is incredible! I would have loved to learn how to play an instrument, but I always was too foolish too. But do you play just for yourself or in public too? See, I would not be able to do that. For me, people are fun to watch from the far, I never really get what they are doing or why, most of them do not even seem to be happy with what they do every single day. But interact with them? Yes, if I have to, otherwise the feeling of it goes near misery.

It is funny how the two of us get along so well, even though in some directions we are so different. Books! Right, books. That is a similarity. I see you have Kafka laying there next to your lap. I have read some work of him, they are admirable. He had a way of seeing the world that I could somehow always relate to. What I currently read is The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach. T’is an interesting book, but sometimes everything I could do is yell at him for his stubbornness. Really, if you read it, you will agree with me! But I have learned so much from that book, about being at peace with myself. That is what I am working on with my therapist too. It is hard, but I believe I can accomplish it someday. Maybe next September or something. You have a beautiful smile, do you know that? I like it very much.

Oh, we only have one hour left until the train reaches its destination. You know those moments in life, where you think to yourself: Everything I have done, everything that I liked in my life, everything I have had to fight with or against was what I had to do to reach this particular moment? Like a train’s destination this is what you are meant to live to see? I… I feel like that right now. Honestly, I have been feeling like this since you walked into this compartment and asked if the seat was still free to take. Normally I would have said no, I would have said: I am sorry, but my friends are joining me on the next station in ten minutes and I promised them that I would save them these seats. Obviously, people can see that I do not have that many friends, if I even have friends at all. They either go through with it and keep on searching for another free compartment, or they just mumble some mean words, get in and stare viciously at me until they leave the train again. With you, it is different. I do not know why, but I could proceed that way this time, I felt obliged to let you have that seat.

I am going to close the window now, it has gotten quite cold in no time. Oh, please take a look outside, and at these clouds on the horizon! The sun has painted them in such a sweet rose with a touch of turquoise, it is marvellous. Clouds are so precious to look at. From down here one cannot imagine that they actually weigh tons. You would think they are as fluffy as they seem, but no. It is getting dark already. My grandma is staying up until I am home, and I do not want her to stay up too late. She has become weak throughout the years, and I care for her. She shan’t miss sleep for me. Are you going home, too? Woah, you… you actually do not live that far from my grandma, and yet I have never seen you before. No, I am sure, I would have recognised you! These hours on a train pass fast. We need to get off in five minutes.

Here here, let me take that for you. No, it is ok, I only have my backpack, most of the stuff I need is already there. The corridor is quite narrow, watch out! It is freezing out here. Climate really changes – when I look back to my childhood, I don’t recall the air being this cold in the evening of such a hot day. Do you? I thought so. Oh, thank you. I… I think you are great too. Can we meet again tomorrow? Yeah. Uh, Lunch? No, no, I will pick you up. Here, this is my grandma’s house. Yes, that is my grandma? Yeah, but I never really got to meet him. He died when I was three or something. Oh no, it is ok.

Wait, before you go – I think I like you. I am saying that because anyone who is friends with you can call himself lucky, but I just don’t think I could live with just that. Oh no, you don’t have to say anything just yet. Uhm, see you tomorrow? See you tomorrow.

CD